The Pursuit of Happiness

January pretty much sucks doesn't it? Christmas and the holiday mad-rush, drinking like a fish and eating like an elephant days are over but it's still dark and cold and here in Ireland, there's not a bank holiday in sight until April.

Maybe because I'm sitting here listening to "Breathe Me," by Sia (that song that's played at the end of Six Feet Under when Claire is driving cross country and everybody dies... ;) ) or maybe it's because Tommy's away in Manchester and I have the house to myself, but I'm feeling so very January today... Introspective and slightly moody and thinking about where I've come from and where I'm going and all that.

Life is so quiet these days. I get up, I go to work. My job no longer gives me a heart-attack the way that freelancing in different offices all the time did. I chat with the co-workers, eat some toast, drink some tea, do some design... I bike home, turn on the heat, cook up some dinner, watch a little channel four wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, perhaps a fire in the fireplace, read a little bit of whatever I happen to be into at the moment, turn on the 'lectric blanket and hit the hay. It's so lovely and comfortable in some ways, but it's also so repetitive and boring as well and the Januaryness of it all just sends me into myself... It's like no matter how old I get, there is still an angsty teenage girl inside me, walking around smalltown America in combat boots, listening to her walkman, all heart and no head, and wondering, "Where is my life going to take me?"

I moved halfway across the world to see if I could make it work and Damn, it actually works. I have created a life for myself that is what you could call successful, happy, fun, all kinds of good things but as is the way, life is life wherever you choose to live it. You still have to get up and go to work and do the laundry and pay the bills. I wonder if we're all just a bunch of junkies in a way... looking for the next emotional fix. If things get too tumultuous than of course, we look for the rock but it seems to me that the reverse is just as true. When things get too quiet, too routine, too mundane, we're not as greatful as we probably should be for the lull, we're off looking for the next challenge, the next adventure, the next heartbreak. We're all a little bit addicted to the drama... or maybe that's just me. ;) Perhaps, I just need a vacation but I suspect that it's in my nature to walk around the streets of my own mind like a teenager with a walkman, to feel things both good and bad in a pretty intense way. Maybe that's the blessing of January... the yearly question to the self, "Where is my life taking me now?" ...and do I actually want to go there?

I hope that all of your Januarys are full of warm cups of tea and long naps and cuddles (and maybe some good Indian take-away and a DVD)...it's another year coming for us all bringing who knows what, for better or for worse and all the rest of it. The ride's beginning again... I suppose the trick is making sure to enjoy it.